A-Stew’s Walk Home

Day 0
Home to Mowich to Longmire

One of my favorite games is to observe inexperienced day hikers. Ex: dude drove to Mowich and only had a day pack. And yet has an ice axe???? Worth noting the dude also drove a Tesla up this dirt road. There’s also a group of dudes in distress and it is quite hilarious considering that they are in the wilderness and fuhhhhhreeeeaking out. Guess we won’t ask for help!

I’m nervous about my ability to do this but I also know I will remember more than I realize.

Reading a lot about sex and thinking a lot about the Josh situation. It’s really amazing to be in something so sexually healing and safe and being able to explore that space.

Heard a group speaking German and got trail homesick. I miss my German fam.

Day 1
Longmire – Maple Creek
10.4 Miles

Slept surprisingly well. My sleeping situation feels pretty legit. Feeling pretty shit about my body though. I want to get a better grasp on things to be like. Happy and healthy at a weight. Not overweight and uncomfortable. But in a good balance. Anywho… slept in my undies and in my liner and boy howdy was it Cozy. Apparently with a capital c.

Excited to be out in the WILDERNESS.

So far the climbs have been substantial but doable. It’s nice to remember I can work that hard. Got half way through the day by 12 and lunched at Reflection Lake. Perfection.

Douglas squirrel vs chipmunk?

The last 5 miles flew by mainly because it was down hill but. Some chatting. Some sketchy land slide reroute. A lot of dense forest. But got to camp around 3 and had to kill time. But we went to the water and hung out. Bathed a bit. Used the terrible full smelly privy. Met Dave who we spent the rest of the evening chatting with and it was super cool until he mentioned not wanting races to mix. 

Overall great day and tomorrow is lots of climbs to Summerland!

Day 2
Maple Creek to Summerland
14.4 miles

Who other but yours truly had mice get in their bag. Crafty little fuckers. I guess it was due time with the time I’ve spent on trail. Impressive none the less. Glad Dave had Duct Tape and LaraBars to share.

Today was a lot of up! Way more up than down. Went from 800ft elevation up to 5900 for camp. We spent a lot of the morning climbing out of the valley which seemed very early WA PCT for me. Just miles of snaking up the side of a hill. Once we broke out and had a view of Ranier the day changed drastically. It was a bit hot but like…. what. It is incomprehensible the scale of shit out here. It really is something else. Before climbing down into Indian Bar I lost my mind. Then again there. And again climbing out of there. Just amazing.

I kept seeing fields of the Suesville flowers I kept thinking like. That is such a beautiful example of our universe and existence. Just like The Who’s living in their little world knowing nothing else while the field has millions of others. It’s crazy.

I also really realized how much I love higher mile days. My fulfillment comes from moving through these spaces and seeing the landscape change and shift and just getting to camp and realizing like damn. I went so far. That is amazing. That is what fuels me. I don’t need to feel guilty about my lack of “Stopping to smell the roses.”

Got to SummerLand and it is so cool to be somewhere familiar. we got the BEST spot and this place has the best privy. No view but so clean and so many amenities for being a hole to shit in in the wilderness.

Silje now calls her watch her wife and it is brilliant.

Longer day tomorrow but should be less brutal on elevation.

Day 3
Summer Land to Mystic Lake
~19.2 miles

So today started perfectly. Didn’t sleep too well but it was great to just wake up and take a seat to a glorious sun rise. And to poop in that perfect privy. But mostly the sunrise part. We got started around 730 and the first 6.5 miles flew by. It was slightly down hill and we just booked it. We kept great pace up hill and got to Shadow Lake for lunch.

Going up and out of Sunrise was seriously something else. It was so rocky and moody and dramatic and full of little red poofs of maybe succulents? I’m not sure what they were. But they were great. And once we crested out of the basin after Sunrise you start descending into the valley but first….. FIRST you get an absolutely mind boggling view of the mountain. Like it seriously makes no sense to me how a place can exist like that. It is so massive. So so so massive. It was also really special to see Baker and Shuksan and know it was them. And just be in their view. And Glacier Peak! What a treat. I was in actual awe.

The rest of the hike was beautiful but tuckering for sure. Felt like the AT must at some points. Rocks and roots and straight ups and downs.

Got to camp and made dinner by the water and had a lovely time. May rain tonight so we shall see what happens! I’m not ready to be done and I really wish I could hike this whole thing. Alas. I wish I didn’t start feeling anxious going to bed tonight. Too many fears on people coming into camp and hacking us up. Ugh. I don’t want to let that anxiety get me. We all came so far to be at this camp spot like it cannot be possible.

However, I won’t be sad about missing bad weather. 

Day 4
Mystic Lake to Mowich Lake
12.9 Miles

What a freaking day. Didn’t sleep because of my anxiety and mice. Woke up and packed up just in time for a downpour. It seems perfect to me that for the four days I was out here I had all the weather types. Every kind of weather imagined. It rained and rained and rained. The views were still epic as all get out.

The miles went slow today. We voted against spray park since we knew we wouldn’t see jack shit.

The climb and decent seemed never ending through the forest today but then we got to Ispus Pass and holy shit. What a climb. I think I’ve realized I really do love climbs. It’s a love hate but I really get fueled by climbing fast and seeing how far I’ve come and then going IM OVER A FUCKING PASS YES. This trail is like the Sierras and the AT had a baby.

The climb down to the lake went quick and then it was heaven. What a better way to end a hike than beers and snacks by the lake after a dip.

I am in cotton clothes in my bag and toasty. Camp ground is weird and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to front and back county sites mixing but.

What a fucking trail. I’m sad I can’t finish it but also happy with the time I’ve had.

Things I need to remember and learn about myself:
⁃ I don’t enjoy solo. As much as I do alone and set out to do I don’t like camping alone. Happiness is best when shared, right?
⁃ That doesn’t make me weak or lesser or a failure or anything of that sort. It is just who I am.
⁃ I am still a bad ass. I am still capable. I am still competent.

I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

July 1 – 4 2020
35ish Miles

Five Canyons of Death, Endless Miles of Boulders, Three Gullies, Two Ropes of Trynottodie and Great views of Mt. Adams!

Day 0
Got off work at 2 and trucked my ass to the trail head. Had a bit of anxiety since Erin was lead wrong by google but once we arrived all was well. We pulled our cars to face each other and had some wine, snacks and good convo. Slept in our cars which thank god. It was so so so cold and windy. Overall trash weather.

Day 1
Windy Ridge Trail Head to Butte Camp
18ish Miles

Woke up and felt like an old woman. Had the weirdest dreams and thoughts… it looked like the fog had taken over and I couldn’t even see Erins car. Figured the rapture happened and it was just me and my car now!

Got up and going and boy was it windy and cold. Go figure. But we were all so high on trail feels it didn’t even matter. Once we got off the dirt road it really hit us. We were out here!! Doing it!! And we had all had such a long Covid hibernation that it was just too good. We got some peek-a-boo views of the mountain but for the most part had to imagine.

The blast zone was unreal. Truly unique territory and such easy hiking. It’s too bad we didn’t have better visibility because you looked into the void! It’s a true chasm and enchanting. And honestly easy hiking. The ladies pointed out the wild strawberries and like a child I was enchanted by that too. I am so used to blueberries! What! We climbed up and around and it seemed pretty similar to the Wonderland in some ways. At lunch I realized well I don’t have enough food…. woops! Humble moment part 1.

We headed out and realized we still had 2/3 of the day left so we cruised. Once we got to the big gulley it was such impeccable views. It is truly magnificent. We walked along a ridge then descended down the sand castle ridge line just hugging it in its skree glory! Then we got to a low point and became one with this magical moss forest and suddenly the trail ends and we meet rope number one. Well. Turns out I still don’t like down climbing but I did it and we all made it down and up safe. The dang Tootle! Then we had quite the climb back up into the world making sure to take a lot of breaks and enjoying Erins wilderness facts. Eventually we end up higher than what we descended and ran into another hiker! We asked lots of questions and he warned us there is more rope and he was just… dry and sarcastic enough it was perfect advice. The hiking was wonderful and challenging due to our shape but we got to the second gulley rewarded with some views of the mountain and god damn if these ropes were shorter but worse? I’m over the ropes at this point. We have a steep climb up and about a mile left before camp and we are all so ready to be there.

The hike down to Butte Camp seems never ending but we eventually make it down, stuff our faces, fill our bellies with water, tea and hot chocolate and Erins first ramen bomb! We decided to save knees, fuel and sanity we would skip the summit. I now know this was the best choice. We head into our tents for a cold Dewey night of no sleep.

Day 2
Butte Camp to Plains of Abraham
12.5ish miles

The day of “No Eggs No Bacie, All Bars All Achie”
We wake up on our own around 6 and slowly get the day started. Thinking since we skipped the summit and only have 12 miles we had time. We make our way up and out which seems again, far too long, and eventually meet back up with the Loowit. Quickly after this we meet the beginning of the boulders. It’s slow moving as we chat with passer-bys including a group of 4 PCT hikers from last year! They are a trail family that oddly enough all lives in Seattle! Fancy, Shitless, Dish and Snacks. I loved chatting with them deep in my dirtbag soul. We kept slowly moving and literally as slow as molasses. We pass a million people and it is annoying and everyone is from June Lake. Place to be apparently. We pass the intersection for climbers route (which btw gains 4000ft in two miles so like… damn) and we make our way to a lunch spot before June Lake. We all feel the pressure of moving slow but need to dry out. I then dubbed Silje The Swedish chef since she whips up a quesadilla like it’s nothing. Hahahah. Amazing.

 

We head out and again… views of this entire trail are out of this world. We drop down, around more boulders. Pass Chocolate Falls which is an amazing little stream through a lava flow and just keep BOULDERING!!!!!! We get some rewards of forest hiking which is quick and painless only to drop into boulders again. We then climb up onto a hillside and can see Adams! And Hood! And then we run into our hiking buddy we met Day 1 who will be finishing tonight and he warns of the Five Canyons of Death and just… he is the best. And we were so tired and defeated. So we roam and roam weaving around the hill side in and out of little canyons until we come to the big boy. He was not kidding about the five canyons of death. It is amazing the terrain we traverse and are able to get around. The trail is similar in crazy but we do it and by golly if by the last one we aren’t graced with the gift of seeing our end destination. I met my gator twin! Watermelons for days with Headphones (a Washington PCT section hiker) and we joke about how the dude we saw twice was our Redemption Dave since he helped so much and gave the best intel. LITTLE DID WE KNOW HIS NAME IS ACTUALLY DAVID SO LIKE. WHAT. AHHH!!! But we set up and eat at the water source and our camp for the night right at the plains of Abraham and holy shit if it isn’t dreamy. It is bright, open and epic. And tits blasting views of Helens! I’m in awe. It also had good views of Adams and we saw Bliss! An ALDHA West member who did a PCT talk. We chatted with a dad and his young girl and it was lovely. He was cuuuute but also nope! We drift to sleep and I sleep a bit better but honestly not really. I forgot to take turmeric and my body reminds me all night.

 

Day 3
Plains of Abraham to Windy Ridge Trail Head
4.5ish miles

Wake up around 5:15 and get packing in so much pain only to end up having such a wonderful and chill breakfast. The view was spectacular and my morning poop couldn’t have been better. We chat with some neighbors and enjoy each others company while watching the sunrise and head out.

I think today’s hike is my favorite views thus far and I would happily hike into this area again. The plains have such an unreal close up view of the mountain. We mosey around and end up taking a shorter and WAY BETTER WAY BACK along a knifes edge and Silje and i are in hog heaven. The wild flowers are insane and the views are just as insane! Erin went quick from nerves and we just acted like tourists behind her.

We got back to the cars in under 3 hours and headed out ways home!

Overall I think this was the most humbling trail experience I’ve had. It was challenging mentally and physically and so diverse. I have to say… I prefer it to the wonderland. The most insane and varied 30 miles I couldn’t even dream up.

Who knows how many days.

My heart swells and drops into my stomach. The power of music and memories.

I don’t know what to do with these emotions and they are so powerful. The memories permeate my present moment and I love but hate it.

Jen put it so well. It’s like PTSD. You go along existing like normal and suddenly something shifts and you are there.

The most beautiful thing that ruined my life.

This is like 5ish months post hike?

I am declaring today is the day I treat my body like the proud machine I recognized the day in Glacier Peak.

I’ve spent enough time being sad. Being sadly nostalgic. I want tpo remember more of the good. The pride. The freedom. The community. The lows came with the hihgs. The fact people supported me through thick and thin.

Existence is so weird but we only have so long here so why not spend time loving and putting out love. Explore and experience thing. Prioritize it.

I know right now seems hard and going from trail to living with Jen and Mom and Dad. Not having stable income. But look at the brilliant upside: no rent, surrounded by love and damily. Flexibility to do what you want within reason. I know I thrive on security but just ride this wave for now, bb. It’ll be better soon.

So a lot of thoughts today. Went on a hike with Liv and really needed it. It was like therapy.

It goes in line with an issue I’ve been facing arounjd like, feeling everything gets put in the future. I set goals around I hope in the future to do x, y or z but I am not living in the moment. But I can also do literally any of that now! Why put it all off. I can choose to be proud and see my worth now. Choosing to see my beauty. Not putting it on this carrot of the future.

Same wiht like, how many times do I need to meet new people and have them get to know me and all read me so similarly until I start belieiving and kn owing these things about myself. How many times to I need someone to meet me and realize I’m powerful. Realize I’m likable. Realize I’m worthy of love. Realize I’m a good humand and friend.

HOW LONG, ME???? BE ROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE YOU ARE GOOD.

Use trail and new gift of time to heal and really look inward to see your positive self.

you will long for the trail. Desire to be back there. But ti was a temporary adventure. It came and went exactly as intended. You cannot relive it and you cannot recreate it. It was a trasure and take what you loved from it and craft a life you want out of it.

Plan and execute new adventures from here based off what you learned from the pct.

12/12 update:

Some of the slumps really don’t help. Wondering if antidepressants should be in my future? Even the little things don’t bring me joy. Don’t make me feel like they used to. I feel like a terrbiel cat ownder and terrible self-care-taker. I should stop dirnking and take better care of myself and save money. I forgot how uncomfortable it can be the first while of recouping after spending a lot of money.

I wanmt to like myself and my life. I want to feel a bit of joy. C’mon world. Do I have to do it all?

Friday September 28, 2018

Where to even begin. Being off trail and immediately going into the real world has been quite tough. I wasn’t expecting to miss being miserable this much. And by that I mean I didn’t realize all the aspects that play into a thru hike could be so missed, so hated and so defining. Or knowing I can’t eat everything. Or that I don’t have a purpose and goal every day that I can achieve. Walking and resting in the sun. Being challenged. Having constant companions. Knowing you’ll be in a town soon or back on trail soon. Or that I have felt the most confident and beautiful at my dirtiest.

The first week back was hard between saying goodbye to everyone and thinking I had feelings for Dylan, dealing with my sister’s depression and her children, being emotionally drained at every turn and I just end up being overwhelmed and depressed myself! I don’t want to reach out to anyone. I just want to go back to my apartment in Seattle and curl up in the middle of the floor in the sun and sleep forever.

I dealt with a lot of down playing with what I’ve accomplished. Once I got back I felt like nothing even happened. I was more worried about gaining weight then being proud of what I had done. Reminds me a lot of hitting mile 100. I was more concerned with the fact I ate dairy than that I had hiked 100 miles. My mental focus is so out of whack. I went through a lot of feeling guilty for taking so much time for myself to be selfish and making my problems so known while my mom and sister have been here dealing with serious set backs but they never brought them to my attention. Also having horrible times feeling I don’t fit in at all anymore. Like, I knew I was homeless. My tent was my home. It was where I knew. My trail family were the ones I felt myself with. I didn’t feel right among family or friends anymore. But I spent a few days in Seattle and had some quiet time and that helped. I felt a bit better going back to Jen’s but then my parents came out and that was just a deeper dive into the weird feelings pool! My parents are going through a lot right now with job changes, potentially moving out here sooner than anticipated. Causing a myriad of emotional responses. Mom is having terrible anxiety and panic attacks again and dad is trying to be the strongest partner for her and draining himself too. It’s a really weird mix of shit to be around. So I did my usual don’t pay attention to me, don’t look at me, my problems are nothing. There was a lot of PDA and they spent a lot of time off alone together and it felt like what I just did was nothing. They had no interest in talking to me about it or how I felt, they were too busy with their stuff. I had to like, force them to look at pictures and that really hurt.

I did end up going on a walk with my parents and got to be there for a real blow out panic attack that my mom had which was really interesting. Saw them work through it but it was really hard for me to know what to do or how to act. They both said it was amazing that I manage all the anxiety I face alone which was somewhat flattering but I don’t really manage it myself at all. I use others! But another way where I refuse to look at myself as a supportive and strong person. I refuse to see personal growth and change. What a weird day. A lot of me being overwhelmed by everyone, noise and situations.

So the visit was weird. And then I took them to the airport and it was sad. Then I went to a coffee shop again to decompress and chill and friend drama happened. I am so fucking done with this shit and it is draining me and killing my stomach to be so worked up.

So now I’m like… Out alone in the wilderness and it was like, anxiety level like, so distracted I don’t remember driving out here, but I’m here and calm. Just emotional and wanting to process it all already. Here’s my instagram post with the feels:

“My home for the night. My front yard, back yard and little house. It only took me until after hiking the PCT for 5 months to muster up the courage to camp alone. And I still had anxious belly all night thinking about it. Can I do it? I’ve bailed on this before. Places with people are scary… but places entirely alone are no better. Bears, murderes, etc. Where to go? I made up my mind but classical noodle brain went WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE OTHER OPINIONS LETS OVERTHINK IT ALL!!!

Alas, I found a spot and set up and found calm. Then a different wave of feelings washed up on me as I lay in my tent and look up. I look at the view I had every night as I finally laid down after the day’s miles. A view that became home. A view I never once thought would sooth my anxious soul, seeing as before the trail it brought me terror. A view that now meant so much to me even though it is just mesh and nylon.

I haven’t unpacked much so I wore my trail clothes, used my unwashed gear and I never thought this stench would be like aromatherapy. I keep coming back to wondering how I could miss an experience this much at times that felt like torture at times but dang if post trail depression isn’t a bitch.”

I miss the hug of my pack on my back. I miss being bored but moving forward with purpose. I NEED SHIT TO DO.

Saturday September 8, 2018
Mile 2646.2 – 2652.6 +8 to Manning Park
Daily Total: 14.4 miles
Northern Terminus & Manning Park

Woke up in the cold and wind. We all hiked together from camp for the 6 miles to the monument. It felt so weird. But we arrived and a couple that completed the trail earlier this year was there with a shot of Canadian Whisky and maple cookies and everyone was there.

We all got VERY DRUNK very quick but what a feeling. It was an absolute blast and none of it made sense and sunk in but… we lived it up. Me, Alex and Melanie, Cy, Dylan and Eva, Waterfall and Leon. All together.

We then started the 8 miles into Manning Park which were fun while drunk because we cruised through the 4 miles of up and then it became slightly miserable. It’s amazing how you can want something so bad and want things to be over because you are so tired and then be so heart broken that it is over.

I’m sitting at Jenny’s house now in a weird in between now that my trail family is gone and it feels so strange.

But I fucking did it.

Friday September 7, 2018
2622 – fire detour – 2646.2
Daily Total: ??

THE. LAST. FULL. DAY.

So we started off the day as a group then split off, as you do, when people have different speeds and tastes and all that. I was a bit peeved because why bother saying it if you know it wont work? But whatever. Ended up hiking with Cy from lunch to camp and had good convo. Hopefully helped him out a bit. We met a trail work crew and a dog! A very good dog. It was so nice.

Overall detour wasn’t too bad. Was happy to get back to the PCT and out of the valley and was glad that we avoided rain and bad weather. One day I want to go back and hike what we missed because I KNOW it was up on that ridge line!!!!!! Gimmie those viewwwws. Saw Goat Man and crew headed  back from the monument and that was really cool to congratulate people heading back to Harts Pass!

Opened Guthooks to see 10 miles to Canada. Like… what?

Dinner was dope. I don’t know how I waited until the last night on trial to add extra peanut butter to the Backpackers Pantry Pad Thai but holy smokes so good.

Overall trail high/low/greatful:

High:

• Moment in Glacier Peak Wilderness where The Suffocation Keep came on and I had a moment of self realized progress and pride.
• Mt. Whitney – I didn’t believe I could do it and I totally did.
• Half Dome with the trail fam.
• Mammoth with the entire trail fam together.

Low:

• Social anxiety and fears and feeling lost in Big Bear.
• Muir Pass post river crossing.
• Leaving Ashland in the smoke.
• Leaving Whites Pass in the smoke and considering quitting.

Greatful:

• Above all: How lucky we were with the weather and trail conditions. I mean, last night on trail and I have only pitched my tent once in the rain/hail. We were able to go through the Sierra kinda early. Other than smoke, wow. Just wow.
• The people. Duh. Feeling comforted and supported by my people.
• My body’s overall strength and endurance. No injuries at all??? Wow.
• My loving and supportive friends and family.

Thursday September 6, 2018
Mile 2601.8 – 2622
Daily Total: 20.2 miles

Man I would love some mood stabilizers.

Highlights of the day: Lunch, popping my beer at lunch, drinking said beer then cruising!

Having a lot of mixed emotions for sure. One more night.

Fingers crossed the detour is ezpz.